If you’ve been keeping up with me over the last 3 years, you know life hasn’t been easy for me. But through all the trials and tribulations, one thing I can say about myself is that I am adaptable. It used to be one of my top 5 personality traits in my Gallup StrengthsFinder test, but after retaking twice over the last 12 years , it dropped to #13. In fact most of my top 5 traits shifted over time.
Here’s my top 5 as of 2016:
My top 5 from 2014:
My top 5 from 2007:
Looking back I can now easily see how the shift in my top 5 applied for the specific challenges I was facing in my life at those times. But now life is different…
Now I need to change, to adapt, the problem is I don’t know what I don’t know. Here’s what I mean by that. I had been in abusive and unfaithful relationships for half my life. That fact combined with my daddy issues I developed at an early age created extreme codependency in most areas of my life.
In my recent therapy session (Yes I go to therapy and so should every human being in my opinion!), my therapist revealed to me that codependency is an addiction to control.
I have been trying to control every aspect of my life out of fear. Fear of failure, abandonment, of the death of a dream, of the truth, of reality. I try to control those that I love because I feel I can see where their decisions are taking them. I try to control them to protect them, to protect our relationship, but really… to protect me.
“Oh my shit.” I say out loud to my therapist.
She hit the nail on the head. It’s so clear to me now. She challenges me to start living with my eyes wide open, to remove my rose colored glasses. See life for what it is, how it is, and let go of how I think it should be. “I’m terrified” I told her. “I know” she said “but you have to”. And so I did, and what is it like?
Suddenly I’m not afraid and not stressed out. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, how my relationships will continue or end, what my future holds, and I’m ok with it. This is a completely new world for me, a new way of life.
I am free from the responsibility I had placed on myself to have it all figured out.
I am no longer afraid of failure, what people think of me, what they say of me.
The load is lifted from my shoulders, I had to give it to God and the unknown, and trust…
Trust in Him to deliver me, trust in Him to protect me, trust in him to use the failures and tests to purify me.
Because that’s what life is, one big test.
I’ve lived half my life in abusive relationships, and while that has produced incredible resilience in me, it has also made me accustomed to living in abuse. The truth? I don’t know how to live in a normal non-abusive relationship. Because I don’t know what I don’t know. Ya know?
My fear, was based on what has happened in the past. My controlling, was based on what I thought would happen in the future…because of what happened in my past.
I have to start from the beginning, back to ground zero. I have to learn how to live and how to love without fear.
2 Timothy 1:7 The Passion Translation (TPT)
7 For God will never give you the spirit of fear, but the Holy Spirit who gives you mighty power, love, and self-control.
Fear is of the enemy, it’s a spirit. I have accepted that spirit my entire life. But now I give it back and give it up. I don’t want you or need you, you have no place in my life. Yet again, I work to become love, the most powerful force in the universe.
As part of becoming fearless, I did something that used to terrify me. I posted a video of me singing on IG. I stepped out of my comfort zone. So what if I was off key, so what if I messed up the words, so what if people critiqued and judged me? So what if I failed?
Living without codependency, control, and fear, is so freeing. I can’t believe I’ve missed out on living like this for the last 17 years of my life. I have no doubts each week will bring new revelation and freedom for me.
Now I look to the future unsure but unafraid. I trust in myself and God to get me through. I look at the failures as opportunities to learn and grow. I thank my failures for their purpose and release them from my grasp.
I am fearless, and I am free.